“SO”

stream-of-consciousness-saturday-2018-19

“SO”

“So”

“So?”

“Yeah, ‘So’!”

“So, what?”

“Just, ‘So’, that’s the word my finger hit on!”

“So, what the hell are you talking about?”

“So, I’m talking about the word, ‘So’! Each week, this batty lady gives us a word to do our ‘stream of consciousness’ thing. This week, she outdid herself, told us to open a book, close our eyes, and blindly put a finger on a spot on the page, then do the ‘stream thing’ using the word on which our finger landed. The page was from my currently ‘favorite book’, The Pickett Factor, and my finger landed on the word, ‘so’.”

“So, being a ‘Wiseacre’, you decided to make it all about you and your new book, The Pickett Factor?

“So, why the hell, not?”

“So, why, indeed! At times, you can be a moron!”

“Well, so I suppose (notice the word, suppose, it has ‘so’ backward – cute, huh?) … So, I was saying, uh, writing, I suppose that’s what I’m doing, having some fun with the word, ‘So’, at the same time, letting people know this new book of mine, did I mention the title? The Pickett Factor, is one terrific read and is likely destined for stardom, So Good, it could be a best seller.”

“So, well, you know, do you not? You’re going to be turning off people with your blatant attempt to push your new book down their throats?”

“So, hell, man, this batty lady gives me the chance! Why not take it. It could be I’ll turn So Many people onto the book that it just maybe might be a new inventive thing for book-ad schemes. Don’t you think? You know, ‘Stream Your Conscious Book to Stardom’. So, great idea, huh? You think?”

“So, No, I don’t think! You’re, you’re, well, you’re so darned inanely obvious, you’ll likely be banned from the lady’s weekly ‘SocCons’ event.”

“So, if I sell hundreds, or, thousands of my SEVENTEEN BOOKS, the lady could be of another persuasion, you know, SO impressed she will want me as her partner…”

“So, Please, Stop! Just, Stop! This ‘So’ business is driving me nuts! How’s about I order “The Pickett Factor” to the tune of, say, 100 copies, will that erase the embarrassment you should feel?”

“So, just 100 copies? With your money, you could buy 20,000 copies and start a The Pickett Factor Book Store and feature all seventeen of my books… WOW! SO AWESOME! Okay, okay, uncurl your fingers from those fists! So, I’ll become silent…so quiet…”

“So, stop with the whispering and let’s go get a ‘Maker’s Mark’ highball.”

Billy Ray Chitwood – November 2, 2018

For the nice ‘Linda-Lady’!

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Man in a Tree

Man in a Tree

“Stop the car, Lewis!”

“Geez, Alan, not so damned loud. What? What’s wrong?”

“The man in a tree. Didn’t you see him? He’s pretty high up, and there’s no way I can see that he can get down.”

“Well, I am driving and my eyes are on the road, Alan.”

“Yeah, I know, Lewis. Sorry, didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Just wait, the guy could be in trouble. Please, back up and park at the curb. I’ll be right back.”

“But, Alan, we’ll be late for our tee-time… Don’t slam the door! ‘Okay, slam the damned door! Geez, like talking to air, that guy! Back up and park at the curb’. Sure, Alan, anything you say, Alan. You’re the boss, Alan’.”

“Hey, Mister, you alright up there? Do you need some help? How did you get up there? Man, you’re maybe fifteen feet from the ground. There’s no ladder down here. There’s nothing down here … HEY, can’t you hear me? I’m screaming down here.”

“I can hear you fine, young man. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Alan. Can you tell me where you keep the ladder? I’ll get it, and you can come down from up there.”

“No, I’m fine up here, Alan. It’s kind of you to stop and be concerned. People are not so concerned these days. You’re a kind man.”

“What’s your name, may I ask?”

“Sure. My name’s Albert.”

“How did you get up there, Albert?”

“I used my ladder.”

“Well, where did your ladder go, Albert?”

“Ellen took the ladder, Alan.”

“Well, my good Lord, why did she take the ladder away, Albert?”

“Oh, she got mad at me because I wanted to go fishing. We argued a spell, and she told me to go ‘climb a tree’ and that’s what I did. I got the ladder to reach the first limb, then used the other limbs to get higher. It’s actually pretty nice up here.”

“Well, hell, Albert, you can’t stay up there. You’re not a young man. You could get dizzy and fall. I’ll go to your door and get Ellen to show me where the ladder is.”

“No, no, don’t do that, son. She’s a might set in her ways, and I don’t want to cause you no trouble. You seem like a nice young man. Why’d you stop, anyhow?”

“I saw you in the tree, Alan, and you have to admit it’s unusual to see a man your age sitting up there all by yourself. And, you can’t get down without that ladder, Alan. The tree has too much girth for you to be able to shimmy down it. I’ll go to the door and talk to Ellen.”

“I prefer you not do that, Alan. Now you just go on about your business. It looks like you have golf gear on, so go play your round of golf, and don’t fret for a minute about me.”

“Well, I just can’t do that, Albert. I would worry about you all day. Are you…I mean, is your…that is, are you thinking straight, Abert?”

“Oh, I see what you might be thinking, Alan. No, my brain power is still there, I don’t have that ‘Alzheimers-stuff’, but I tell you one thing, it’s sure good to see that people can still try to do the right things for others… Now, listen up, I like my women ‘fat’ and tough as nails. Well, I got one of those in that shingled house over there, and she is one big ‘Wo-man’. If you go to that door, ring the buzzer, she’ll come to the door ‘a-hooten and a-holleren’, and she could be carrying, if you know what I mean… Like, right now, that friend in the car is tooten that horn too much, and that could get her angry…”

“Oh, don’t worry about us, Albert. My worry is about you, I’ve got to get you out of that Sugar Maple before you fall and hurt yourself. I’ll take my chances with Ellen.”

“Well, son, you go ahead and do what you’re thinking and I’m trying my best to tell you truthfully what’s going to happen, and the aftermath of your action.”

“Alan, in these few seconds here with you, I feel really close to you, which makes it all the tougher to leave you sitting up there in that darn tree. I’m off to see Ellen.”

“Well, you have a good heart, son, but I’m telling you – there just ain’t enough room up here for both of us.”

(Tick-Tock)

“Well, she ran that friend of yours off pretty fast, Alan. You can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Will she be serving us cocktails and dinner up here, Albert?”

A Light Flash Fiction Moment from: Billy Ray Chitwood – October, 2018

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